In the next few days, my one and only relationship would have been five years old. Instead I’ve been single for just over a year. When he left, the aim was to give me space and time to heal. To sort out my life, regain perspective and to become me. Of course none of that has happened, I’m still in the same or worse situation than I was last year. Just another failure to add to the tally. And he has moved so far on while I’m left to struggle. How can someone who allegedly cared so much go from that to not even asking how I am?
I’m still not coping. I can’t settle to anything, restless and on edge. My body feels disconnected from my head, events happening to someone else but not to me. Nothing happens to me. I have piles of projects I could be undertaking but they require concentration, an ability to sit still for more than a minute at a time. Time moves so slowly and still nothing is done.
I’m so sick of all of this. I don’t feel sad just fed up, it never changes so why keep trying? My medical records at the doctors now have big warnings on that I’m only to be allowed weekly prescriptions. Mostly this just leaves me irritated. I could get round it of course but that would require effort.
I just wish I could make it all stop.