Nearly 5

In the next few days, my one and only relationship would have been five years old. Instead I’ve been single for just over a year. When he left, the aim was to give me space and time to heal. To sort out my life, regain perspective and to become me. Of course none of that has happened, I’m still in the same or worse situation than I was last year. Just another failure to add to the tally. And he has moved so far on while I’m left to struggle. How can someone who allegedly cared so much go from that to not even asking how I am?

I’m still not coping. I can’t settle to anything, restless and on edge. My body feels disconnected from my head, events happening to someone else but not to me. Nothing happens to me. I have piles of projects I could be undertaking but they require concentration, an ability to sit still for more than a minute at a time. Time moves so slowly and still nothing is done.

I’m so sick of all of this. I don’t feel sad just fed up, it never changes so why keep trying? My medical records at the doctors now have big warnings on that I’m only to be allowed weekly prescriptions. Mostly this just leaves me irritated. I could get round it of course but that would require effort.

I just wish I could make it all stop.

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5 Responses to Nearly 5

  1. finefinefine says:

    I’m sorry, anniversaries can bring it all back. I wish I had answers, I dont but I understand x

  2. aims says:

    If someone in a five year relationship doesn’t even have the heart to ask how you are – that says a lot about that person – not about you. The real truth comes out when you are mentally ill. You find out who your true friends are. (I’d say the one who took your pills away).

    I know times go slowly – and you can’t concentrate enough to make any jewelry. Perhaps just sorting your beads and findings would help you relax.

    Some of the therapy I had when I was in the ward was closing my eyes and thinking of a place that made me happy and thinking about that and putting myself there. It was a beautiful escape – one that often made me cry.

    Another one is meditating. Just listening to meditative music and drifting off can bring such peace for a while.

    I wish that you had stayed with your family longer.

    There will come a time when you get better. Life will never be the same – but I believe you’ll be a better and kinder person for going through all this.

    Always here for you Ana.

    • Nurse Converse says:

      Totally agree with the 1st paragraph Aims.
      Sorry you’re feeling like this Ana, trust that things will get better xxx

  3. John says:

    As a fellow ‘tab, I’m so, so sorry that this is a terrible time for you but – to quote someone who I’m too lazy to look up – “If you’re going through hell, keep going”.

  4. Chapati says:

    Completely agree with the comments above Ana, and really sorry you’re going through a tough time. Anniversaries are always extremely tough, but it WILL get better… and be glad you have some amazing friends and family around you 😀

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