But I had a good day

This weekend has been fun. I did things I like in the company of people who I enjoy spending time with. The sun shone and I laughed. Lots. This being so, why am I not happy? What the hell have I done so wrong that means that I can’t just enjoy the experience? I don’t know what changed. One minute I was doing well and the next, the insidious doubt had found a chink, balanced precariously on it and then slipped inside to wreak havoc amongst the happiness.

It’s just not fair (cue foot-stamping toddler tantrum). I don’t want to have to deal with part of me me telling the rest that I’d be better off dead. I don’t want to plan my own suicide in exquisite detail while smiling on the outside so that nobody will suspect. I don’t want to feel the need to hurt myself. I don’t want to analyse in minutiae every single detail of the last 48hrs and identify every petty occurrence of me behaving in a sub-optimal manner.  All I want is to be happy.

And after all that. what’s the thing I want least? I don’t want to know for sure that nothing is ever going to change.

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7 Responses to But I had a good day

  1. John says:

    Ana

    That you’ve had a good weekend is wonderful, wonderful news. From this ‘tab to another, I hope that you have many, many more.

    As for the suicidal elements abounding, I fear that in the past I’ve been in a position of holding on to the fact that I knew the process in exquisite detail so much so that even when I’d left I would leave people to be searching in the wrong places. A bad, bad time.

  2. {{{hugs}}} I wish there was something I could say which meant you didn’t have to go through this. Still I cling to the hope that things are going to change – they just have to.

    Take care,
    Differently

  3. finefinefine says:

    It really isn’t fair. I don’t know how to make things change but they do, inevitably. It’s the acting “as if” all is ok while hoping for change that’s so wearing x

  4. aims says:

    I think that if we can focus on something else besides ‘me’ then things are better. The second we start analyzing and psychoanalyzing ourselves – then the downhill slide begins.

    Focus on the fun. Focus on distracting yourself from yourself.

    Of course everyday can’t be full of fun – but you can do things to keep your mind busy. I think I’ve asked before but have you tried audio books? They are superb for distracting your brain – and that’s something you really need to do.

  5. Stacy says:

    I can so relate to being all smiles when out and around other people but then crashing into a depression when I’m alone. Or even being really down inside at the same time as being so happy around others. It truly is frustrating. It makes me feel like such a fake. And I too tend to overanalyze how things have gone after the fact until I forget that I had any fun at all.
    If I can manage it I try to force myself to focus on the good things about a good experience and when I catch myself analyzing it I try to distract my mind. Sometimes it works. 🙂
    Take care of you!

  6. Cassie says:

    But you don’t know for sure that nothing’s ever going to change. There is still hope that things will improve, even if that hope seems very tiny right now.

    That’s very similar to me, I enjoy myself and laugh when I’m with friends but then something changes and I’m back to feeling depressed again.

    You’re right, it’s not fair and you deserve to have those moments of happiness more frequently.

    Take care,

    Cassie x

  7. Alison says:

    Our mind always plays tricks on us… I had a day last week when one thing sent me spiralling into this mood swing of depression, I knew my mood had changed but I couldn’t control the thoughts or feelings inside my head or the impulses I was having, all triggered by one thing (not getting the job I really wanted). I went out, purchased expensive paper and envelopes and planned to write my suicide letters because I was so sick and tired of living like I do. I cried myself to sleep, woke up the next morning and thought to myself ‘how the hell does my brain and mood keep functioning like this’ I felt absolutely perfectly normal the next day, well as normal as I could be but certainly not like I wanted to commit suicide. It made ME realise just for once in my life how impulsive I can be and how seriously I have to take my illness and the triggers because I could act on the feelings and thoughts I have with serious consequences.

    Depression, mood swings, Bipolar call it what you will are awful debilitating illness which we have little control over, it’s a real case of taking it one day at a time.
    Hang on in there Ana, (((hugs))) Alison
    x

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