Maybe not going quite so well then.

The (very) short story:

I overdosed again. Bugger.

If you don’t want to know or may be triggered by the details, stop reading here.

The short story:

Last Saturday night I went out. Unfortunately the night didn’t go according to plan and ended in an unplanned trip to A+E with rather more of my medication in my system than there should have been. Spent rest of week at home with parents staying to keep me safe. Parents have now gone leaving me with intensive crisis team intervention to survive the bank holiday weekend. We shall see.

It’s still not too late to stop reading…

The long story:

Last Saturday night I went out, to a Ceilidh. This should have been a good thing. I wanted to enjoy myself, have fun, feel normal. The problem was that the venue was crowded and noisy, two things I find hard to cope with at the best of times. To cope with this I took diazepam. Unfortunately diazepam doesn’t go well with remembering or coordinating  dance moves and I felt that I made a bit of a prat of myself to put it lightly. By the end of it, I had completely cut myself off from reality. I have no recollection of leaving the event or of how I got home. I remember feeling happy that nobody seemed to be in so I could carry out my plans in peace. I collected all the medication I could find (I’d stashed a reasonable amount) and went to my computer. Glass of water in one hand, tablets in other with occasional pauses to write my note. I recall being proud that I had a note, I didn’t write one last time.

Then there was a knock at the office door. Turns out my housemate wasn’t as out as I’d initially surmised. Instead she’d received a concerned text from someone I’d been at the ceilidh with to ask if I’d got home safely. Unfortunately it didn’t occur to me in time to hide what was going on and other friend was quickly summoned to transport us to A+E which was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night.

I was pretty rapidly hooked up to a cardiac monitor as my pulse was dancing somewhere around 120-130. This was somewhat irritating as the warning alarm was triggered every time it topped 125. This meant I was beeping almost continuously. Time passed. Conversations were had but I can’t remember what they were. Friends didn’t leave me for which I’m very grateful. At some point in the early morning, I’m guessing around 3am, I was moved from A+E to CDU. Seemingly simultaneously my parents arrived. having been called by my housemate at an earlier point. Friends went home. By this point the drugs in my system had kicked in big time and my recollection is decidedly hazy. I hadn’t taken enough to knock me out and I was too nervous to let them send me to sleep. Everything seemed like a dream. The voice coming out of my mouth wasn’t mine, the movements of my hands weren’t a part of me. At some point they put a bag of fluids up, this helped things come back to reality somewhat.

A baby doctor determined I wasn’t an alcoholic (I think he was a medical student doing research). This was odd. It was late afternoon by the time my obs were anything like approaching normal and the on-call psych came to visit. It was immediately apparent that all she wanted to do was send me home so I shouted at her. I don’t think this helped much. In the end it was indeed decided to send me home, not least because I really needed to attend my ESA medical the next day (incidentally I passed this, the fact I’d been in hospital the day before and was still wearing my patient ID band may have helped my case somewhat).

My parents moved into my living room floor. I visited Complex Cases and spoke to people on a daily basis but nobody seemed to listen, nothing was being done. On Thursday  the Home Treatment (crisis) team were finally involved. We have a plan. It’s a risky plan but a plan nonetheless. The plan is I stay at large in the community. I am a real risk to myself at the moment. There’s no denying that. I have multiple plans in place which could be acted on should the need present. However, the benefits of staying home may outweigh these risks. The HTT are going to visit daily and I have their phone number (as if I’d use it).  So we shall have to see.

Right now though I feel just fine. The plans are there if and when I need them and in the mean time I have my space back.

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12 Responses to Maybe not going quite so well then.

  1. finefinefine says:

    Am so sorry, what an awful experience, glad to read your post tho and know that you are here, this IS a good thing x

  2. Stacy says:

    Sorry for such a rough weekend. Sounds like it was pretty overwhelming.
    I live in the states so it’s so hard to imagine a “treatment team” that works with you from home. No such thing here unless you’re developmentally delayed to the point the you don’t understand how to get around. Otherwise they just make sure you can get to their office one way or another. So, I imagine that would be helpful for them to so available. I’m sure it reduces hospital time, which is alway nice.

  3. Bippidee says:

    I am really sorry things have been so bad. I hope HTT aren’t as incompetant as they generally seem to be. Do you feel like you will be able to stay safe at home with their help? Thinking of you, and you know where I am if you want to talk. xxx

  4. Alison says:

    I don’t have much that is going to be of help, but please hang on in there, keep safe the best way you can. xxx

  5. Cassie says:

    It sounds like you’re going through a lot at the moment. I hope that the HTT helps at least somewhat and that things get better soon.
    Take care,
    Cassie x

  6. aims says:

    Oh Ana.

    My heart breaks for you. You are trying so hard to get the attention you need from the medical side and they are just ignoring you.

    I haven’t a clue what to tell you as I don’t know the system at all over there.

    However, I do think that your best strategy is to stay with your parents. I also think you should admit to those who are supposed to be the professionals that you have multiple plans for suicide. That may smarten them up – but maybe not.

    What you need is 24 hour care and therapy. You need to find out why you want to kill yourself. Do you really really want to never wake again to a day full of sunshine and singing birds and flowers blooming?

    Or do you just want a break from the everyday stress of what is your life now? Is life too hard for you to handle on your own and would you be better having others help you right now.

    I am so concerned for you – as you well know.

    Can you make a list of the pros and cons of your life? A very serious – deep look – into what your life is and what you don’t want in it.

    If they aren’t going to help you over there – at least I can try from over here.

    Please remember – in all of this – there are lots of people who care about you Ana. Even someone you have never met – me.

    I see on your facebook page that you have tons of people connected to you! And also that you are incredibly smart.

    I have to tell you – it’s us smart ones that suffer most with the reality of our lives. If we just didn’t give a shit it wouldn’t matter. We’d be sailing along with the rest of the world – not even noticing.

    Again and again – if you need me – I am here.

    I am willing to call you if you need someone who’s been there to chat with. Please remember that. It only takes an email and I will do so.

  7. Thinking of you. So sorry I haven’t been able to keep in touch, phone internet is a nightmare. I really hope you start to feel better soon and the htt are of use. Xx

  8. lost1234 says:

    Have just found your blog through another. Sorry to hear things are not going so well for you at the moment.

    Hope they get better soon

    HUgs xx

  9. Anonymous says:

    I really do not know how this site popped up….I have read it all and am sad to see the level of distress that some of you are experiencing and heartened by the warmth and time given to the responses. Depression is a very lonely experience, and when one is going through it, one thinks that this could not possilbly end,or happen to another. It does, itis part of the human condition, and some suffer more in this way and less in other ways. It is said that if we were asked to swop our own life with another, when we had looked at all the factors we would choose our own….we have developed ways of dealing with our own pain. I was lucky to survive a bad accident 15 years ago, and since that time I look at life with a whole new prespective, it feels like a second time around. I do know people who have chosen to take their own lives, after a lot of pain and discussion and searching and that is their choice and it was considered. I also know thoes who were left behind, as is said, and who are in many cases stuck for the rest of their lives in the loss of the other. For 2011 stay well. Trust in yourself and trust in humanity. X

  10. tinaden says:

    Do you have to publish my name? I am not used to there blogs…….Thanks

  11. tinaden says:

    Do you have to publish my name? I am not used to there blogs…….Thanks. Now I am wondering where is the input I actually made…..??? Is it me or is it this site????

    • anickdaler says:

      I have comment moderation on so I don’t get hit with loads of spam 🙂 I edited your name out the first comment so no worries there. Thanks for reading and your positive thoughts.

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