I don’t think it’s too far from the truth to say that hospital saved my life. I am as of yet unconvinced that this is a good thing but it’s definitely a thing of one sort or another and as such deserves a mention. Post-admission I’m now feeling a lot calmer and more in control. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was happy but I’m undeniably better than I was and that’s a start.
I also had a chance to understand my diagnosis slightly more. It now seems to officially stand as Borderline Personality Disorder with a recurrent depressive illness. This complicates matters because when I get down it could be for one of two reasons. Either it’s one of the intense short term mood swings that come from the BPD or it’s a more long-term negative trend from the depression and somehow I have to learn to distinguish between the two. That sort of insight would be useful. For a start if it’s depression, it can be medicated whereas there’s no point in medicating the BPD crazies. On the subject of medication, my Venlafaxine’s been upped to 375mg daily which is the maximum possible. It seems to be helping for now and I hope that continues to be the case because otherwise it would mean starting from scratch with something new and that terrifies me.
Other positives? Well the food wasn’t as inedible as I’d expected, I met some interesting people and most importantly of all I learnt that hospital isn’t as bad as all that and is something I could face again in the future if it became necessary.