June 23, 2010
Since I started taking Risperidone, I’ve put on 2/3rds of a stone. I can only assume the two events are linked as before my weight was pretty stable. This has me running scared and for good reason. A couple of years ago I weighed a lot more than I do now. When I finally realised this, I had something of an epiphany made up my mind to do something about it which I did (and not by halves either). I lost over 3 stone in about 6 months and got my weight down to something I was happy with. I was hardly super skinny but I could live with it and it seemed to suit me because that’s where my weight stayed pretty much regardless of what I ate and how much exercise I did.
But now the damn drugs have ruined it all. I’ve put back on almost a stone of what I’d lost and I’m not happy about it. My appetite has soared and I seem to have developed a real addiction to sugar. Before if I wanted something sweet I could eat a few squares of chocolate, now I’ll quite happily scoff the whole 200g and barely even notice it’s gone. This has to stop but I don’t know how. My self control is entirely gone and I’d rather like it back. It’s just getting to the stage when I can really notice a difference. Clothes that fit comfortably before are now tight and I feel considerably less fit than I did.
I know in the scheme of things it’s not all that important and deep down I know I’d rather have the drugs than the paranoia and psychoticish tendencies but it just doesn’t seem fair somehow. I try and eat healthily (most the time) and I aim to do an hours exercise about 4 times a week so I should be healthy but I’m not and I don’t seem to be able to do a thing about it. I’m getting decidedly scared that it can only get worse.
(This post is bought to you courtesy of selective amnesia which I’m using to ignore the few months prior to the risperidone in which I attempted to exist on not very much at all)
June 16, 2010
Because I am a bad blogger and quite possibly a bad person, I’m going to cheat and have half this post be an email I sent to my case manager at Complex Cases. I know I should reword it all into blog speak but it means I have to think less and quite frankly thinking hurts at the best of times which this definitely is not.
Hi lovely case manager,
I have a rather large problem because my housemate wants to move out by the end of July. She says that I'm not well enough to share with and she probably has a point. This is troubling because I couldn't afford to keep my flat on even if I wanted to. I'm also struggling to see anything else even vaguely affordable in [place where I live]. My friends are all telling me that I'm not stable enough to live on my own which is rather annoying but I do wonder if they can see something I can't. I also get the impression that they are getting rather sick of me and it would be easier for them and everyone would be happier if I wasn't around in
[this place] any more.
As far as I can see it, I have 2 options. The first is to stay here assuming I can find somewhere affordable to live which I really doubt. I also worry about being on my own a lot as I know how easily things can go from ok to very, very bad.
The alternative is to move back to [place where I'm from] and get a flat close to my parents. The advantage of this (other than it being infinitely more affordable) is that I'd have a lot of support available from my parents if I needed it as well as the ability to pop home if I needed to. However, I don't really know anyone up there which would mean I'd have to find ways to meet people and visit friends in Cambridge at weekends (which I think they find to be the preferable option). However, I don't know what impact moving would have on continuity of care. I don't know what, if any support is available up in York and if I'd be entitled to it without having to go through stupidly long waiting lists which has been the case in the past.
Basically, I really don't know what to do. Neither option seems particularly ideal but I am determined to keep my independence and have somewhere I can make my own. I am finding this incredibly stressful and that's before I even start to think of the logistics and paperwork involved in actually moving which seem far, far beyond me.
So yes, I’m a bit screwed. I can’t make my mind up one way or the other, or rather I can’t keep my mind made up. I keep making absolute decisions and then switching them half an hour later which is proving rather exhausting. My case manager is looking into accessing (possibly supported) housing association flats for me but I’m scared of ending up somewhere I hate. Plus ending up in council housing was hardly part of the great future I had envisioned for myself.
June 7, 2010
I seem to have reached some sort of stability over the last few weeks. Things look clearer and a lot less bleak. I can see beyond tomorrow even if I don’t want to look there because it’s a terrifying scary place. At least it exists though, that has to be a start. My concentration has improved many times over and I’m now getting things done albeit in a haphazard, incomplete kind of way. I can’t believe the change in me, events of the past six months seem crazy and out of control. How could that have happened to me? What possessed me to do such things, how could I have lost so much control? And why is anyone in the real world still speaking to me after all that?
BUT (and there always has to be a but in this sort of story) it isn’t easy. I’m terrified of losing it all over again, past performance suggests I will and I really don’t want to go back. I still get knocked off course by the most inconsequential of events – a throwaway remark can leave me reeling for hours. I have to accept that I’m not well, I’m just less ill. That’s hard for me though. I see in black and white, either I’m well or I’m ill. And since I’m obviously not ill like I was, I must be well. Therefore I should be perfect, nothing should bother me. I should go out, get a job, map out a future, achieve everything with no effort, next stop the world etc. Deep down I know this in unrealistic, I just have to settle for what I’ve got for now and enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts. Ignore the bleak hours, work through them and move on because for now they do pass.
I just hope this is a corner turned for good but somehow I doubt it.