Is this up?

I seem to have reached some sort of stability over the last few weeks. Things look clearer and a lot less bleak. I can see beyond tomorrow even if I don’t want to look there because it’s a terrifying scary place. At least it exists though, that has to be a start. My concentration has improved many times over and I’m now getting things done albeit in a haphazard, incomplete kind of way. I can’t believe the change in me, events of the past six months seem crazy and out of control. How could that have happened to me? What possessed me to do such things, how could I have lost so much control? And why is anyone in the real world still speaking to me after all that?

BUT (and there always has to be a but in this sort of story) it isn’t easy. I’m terrified of losing it all over again, past performance suggests I will and I really don’t want to go back. I still get knocked off course by the most inconsequential of events – a throwaway remark can leave me reeling for hours. I have to accept that I’m not well, I’m just less ill. That’s hard for me though. I see in black and white, either I’m well or I’m ill. And since I’m obviously not ill like I was, I must be well. Therefore I should be perfect, nothing should bother me. I should go out, get a job, map out a future, achieve everything with no effort, next stop the world etc. Deep down I know this in unrealistic, I just have to settle for what I’ve got for now and enjoy it as much as possible while it lasts. Ignore the bleak hours, work through them and move on because for now they do pass.

I just hope this is a corner turned for good but somehow I doubt it.


7 Responses to Is this up?

  1. Yep, know that feeling. Feeling stable but knowing how fragile it is and being terrified of it slipping through your grasp again.

    I too however hope that this is a corner you’ve turned for good.

    Take care,

  2. aims says:

    My dear Ana.

    I’ve been away and too ill to blog or to read blog posts. I can catch up slowly without ‘blogging’ myself to distraction.

    That is why I haven’t left any comments as I haven’t been here.

    But now – I am so happy to read that you got some help in the hospital and spent time on ‘the ward’ and absorbed and discovered some things about yourself.

    It is a great relief to me to hear this. I tried at one point to call your parents after spending a day figuring out who they were. Somehow I couldn’t get the number quite right – all your ‘area codes’ had me flummoxed.

    Anyway – I just wanted to say that what you’ve been through is the biggest step to take. After this it’s much smaller steps and easier to do.

    I myself went back into the hospital and onto the ward an additional 2 times after my first initial admission. It wasn’t bad at all – in fact I felt safe and at ease within myself once I got a bed back.

    If you have to go back – you have to. That’s all. Since you now know the routine it won’t be a big issue – just another step forward to help you.

    I know it sounds strange but I’m happy for you that you got into the hospital and got help.

    I think of you very often Ana – and send ‘well-wishes’ all the time.

  3. Stacy says:

    Yes, I go through the same thing. Feeling or seeing improvement in myself but then expecting too much of myself or fearing that I might not be able to keep it going.
    Maybe it’s one of those 2 steps forward, 1 step back things. There are some improvements I feel pretty confident about but others I’m pretty uneasy. Maybe those uneasy ones will turn into the confident ones in the future. Hopefully!

  4. Alison says:


    It’s nice to read a post like this from you, you sound more positive about things and that’s great… it’s a recovery progress step, taking it one day at a time, and you will have days like this, good and bad.

    You are bound to be scared and fretful about what the future holds especially the next few weeks and months after coming out of hospital, but you can do this! Hang on in there… stay positive x

  5. I really hope it’s a corner turned for good. xx

  6. Lola Snow says:

    I think it’s fairly normal to feel this way, and almost sensible really to be afraid of where you have been. I am glad you are feeling better, Ana, and I hope that it lasts for you.

    Lola x

  7. aims says:

    I just wanted to add one thing here Ana. You’ve actually said these exact words before – and so have I! I totally understand your fear of failure – your fear of falling down the rabbit hole – all of it.

    It is indeed hard for us to think ourselves as well or ill – one or the other. I’ve finally managed to think of myself as always on the edge but battling like crazy not to fall in. And that’s okay. The battle keeps us healthier. We know what can happen to our thoughts and the battle does indeed help. I use audio books a lot. I’ve mentioned this before. I’m always listening to a book whenever I’m enveloped by quiet. I don’t want to listen to my head and the distraction works perfectly – except when someone wants to talk to you or the phone rings.

    Looking at your facebook page I understand your questions of ‘how could that happen to me’. It can happen to anyone at all. You’ve seen the homeless and heard that they used to be CEO’s etc. All true – they fell over the edge and ended up there.

    Be very grateful you have a family and friends who love and care about you. You are one of the lucky ones.

    Hope this helps. I know I’ve thought all the same things as you have and I’ve come a long way since 1998 and I also know I’ll never be 100%. That’s okay with me because I also know that it made me a nicer person. And everyone agrees to that. It’s very interesting that that happened to me and I’m glad it did.

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