What’s that thing called again?

July 6, 2010

Apologies for my silence on here but I’ve been out in the real world doing that thing where you just get on with stuff. Ah yes, coping that’s the one. I;ve been out there. Coping. And doing a pretty darn good, if slightly awkward, job of it if I may say so myself.

 Following my housing dilemma, I eventually came to a decision after much deliberation and I’ve decided to move back ‘oop North. The additional family support was a big pull as was the illusion of a fresh start which I feel much in need of. I’ve even found a flat! I’m just waiting for references to come back and then it’s mine. Very nice it is too. I think making the decision was more important than whatever the conclusion actually was but I really hope I am doing the right thing for me. I suppose only time will tell but for now at least it feels like I’ve made the correct choice.

I’ve been doing a lot of soulsearching of late trying to determine what’s changed. Why are things currently going so well? I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not actually depressed at the moment. That may not seem like much to note but for me it’s a pretty profound observation. It explains the lack of numbing, destructive fog in my brain, the smiling I’m managing to do and the strange feeling of equilibrium with the world. I haven’t felt this well since last summer and to be honest I’m not sure things were this good even then.

It would be naive to say everything was better. Last night I cried myself to sleep and I still spend vast swathes of time plotting my own destruction. I’m acutely aware that I have recurrent depression and that means things could change any day. But things are undeniably better for now and that has to be a start.