A spark

October 6, 2010

Wow, am I a bad blogger or what?! I apologise for the lengthy silence on here. I keep meaning to write stuff and then getting distracted or forgetting what it was I wanted to say. If I can’t sleep, I lay there and plan blogposts in my head and yet by morning my inspiration has always evaporated. If truth be told, I’ve been rather busy in real life. New relationship is going amazingly. I appear to be in love which I never thought would happen again. Boyfriend is incredibly understanding, kind and considerate and just generically awesome.

Other than that I’ve been stressing out a lot recently. I feel stuck in a rut. Things are going ok, in fact at times they’re going well enough to convince me someone is going to report me for benefit fraud.  But I don’t want to spend the rest of my life scrounging off the state, especially since the state is going to make that less lucrative and harder to do in the future. Besides which, I should be capable of so much more. Craziness aside, I’m pretty smart and really should be out there making something of myself.

I’ve been trying to give myself a direction, work out where I want to be and how I’m going to get there. I know I can’t go back to nursing. It wasn’t for me as things turned out and I’m just about big enough to turn round and accept that. But I do want to stay in helathcare. As pathetic as it may sound, I genuinely want to help people. So, where should I turn next? I’m thinking pharmacy. It’s a far more academic course than nursing which in all honesty should play to my strengths better. It gives me a recognised career path, it keeps me in the field I want to be in and is a subject that intrigues me. I took an Open University module on drug desing and pharmacology and the detail of how and why drugs make our bodies do what they do fascinates me.

A nice pipe dream right? Maybe in 3/4 years if I’m better and can get through winter without resorting to suicide attempts and general nuttiness that’s what I thought. But then I had a very long conversation with my dad and came to the conclusion that a pipe dream is of no use to anyone. If you’ve got a wish go and act on it now while you’re still young enough and stupid enough to think it’s a good idea. The earliest I could start any course would be this time next year and by then I’ll know how winter and I get on with my new positive outlook. If I’m still well by then I don’t want to be waiting another year to follow what I want. I’m not getiing any younger and eventually I am going to have to have a career so better sooner than never.

The problem with all of this is that I’d have to apply now, deadline’s the middle of January which doesn’t actually give me all that much time to sort myself out and write a coherent application. So I have rather a lot of work to do. I could also really use a few days work experience to give me a better idea of what it’s like.  Eek!

I dunno, even if I do this I’ll probably get rejected anyway. It’s a very competitive field.  But I think I have to at least try.