Saying sorry

November 24, 2010

Yes, I am still alive! At the moment my silence on here is a good thing. It means I’m out doing things and getting on with my life. I have applied to do pharmacy. *eek*. I’m not 100% sure it’s a good idea but I don’t lose anything by putting in the application. So far I’ve got an interview from one university but nothing from the other 4. I’m excited about the opportunities but trying to just take everything slow.

Winter’s coming up and traditionally winter is when I struggle. I’m still feeling relatively strong with little blips. I’m sleeping too much, eating the wrong stuff at the wrong times, typical disordered behaviour but I’m not overly worried yet. I just need to keep my eye on it and watch for any deterioration. I’ve tried to explain what to watch out for to my boyfriend who is being incredibly supportive. He keeps reminding me to put my sun lamp on, making sure I get out the house every day even if it’s just to the supermarket.

I have a lot of guilt in my system though, I have a lot of people to apologise to. They aren’t little apologies either and I don’t know how to begin to make them. I haven’t really spoken to my friends since I moved and to be honest I don’t know how to face them.  I have to say sorry to them for accusing them of plotting against me among a lot of other stuff. There was a lot of stuff I didn’t blog about last year when I genuinely believed my friends were part of a conspiracy to bring me down and stop me from doing what I wanted. And they weren’t, not really. They were only acting in my best interests and a lot of stuff I suspected them off would have been way beyond their power anyway. It seems quite unlikely they interfered with my health declaration for St John Ambulance and even more unlikely they intercepted Royal Mail to stop a letter I sent getting through. In reality they were just supporting me as best they could and without their support it’s likely the outcomes of last year would have been even worse.

How do I apologise though? Would it seem weird to send out a series of emails saying sorry? I don’ want to come across as desperate and more insane than usual but I do want to make it right. If it were you, would you take such an email in the spirit it was sent or would you hate the person who sent it forever? How do I phrase anything I do send? Or is there a better option? I want to do something but what?

I also have to make it right with all the commentators on this blog whose advice and offers of calls and emails I ignored. Every comment I got gave me strength to get through another few minutes/hours/days and I’m eternally grateful for that. I want to thank each and every one of you for the time and effort you put in to supporting me through the most difficult time of my life and if there’s ever anything I can do for you, you know where I am. Thanks.