Saying sorry

Yes, I am still alive! At the moment my silence on here is a good thing. It means I’m out doing things and getting on with my life. I have applied to do pharmacy. *eek*. I’m not 100% sure it’s a good idea but I don’t lose anything by putting in the application. So far I’ve got an interview from one university but nothing from the other 4. I’m excited about the opportunities but trying to just take everything slow.

Winter’s coming up and traditionally winter is when I struggle. I’m still feeling relatively strong with little blips. I’m sleeping too much, eating the wrong stuff at the wrong times, typical disordered behaviour but I’m not overly worried yet. I just need to keep my eye on it and watch for any deterioration. I’ve tried to explain what to watch out for to my boyfriend who is being incredibly supportive. He keeps reminding me to put my sun lamp on, making sure I get out the house every day even if it’s just to the supermarket.

I have a lot of guilt in my system though, I have a lot of people to apologise to. They aren’t little apologies either and I don’t know how to begin to make them. I haven’t really spoken to my friends since I moved and to be honest I don’t know how to face them.  I have to say sorry to them for accusing them of plotting against me among a lot of other stuff. There was a lot of stuff I didn’t blog about last year when I genuinely believed my friends were part of a conspiracy to bring me down and stop me from doing what I wanted. And they weren’t, not really. They were only acting in my best interests and a lot of stuff I suspected them off would have been way beyond their power anyway. It seems quite unlikely they interfered with my health declaration for St John Ambulance and even more unlikely they intercepted Royal Mail to stop a letter I sent getting through. In reality they were just supporting me as best they could and without their support it’s likely the outcomes of last year would have been even worse.

How do I apologise though? Would it seem weird to send out a series of emails saying sorry? I don’ want to come across as desperate and more insane than usual but I do want to make it right. If it were you, would you take such an email in the spirit it was sent or would you hate the person who sent it forever? How do I phrase anything I do send? Or is there a better option? I want to do something but what?

I also have to make it right with all the commentators on this blog whose advice and offers of calls and emails I ignored. Every comment I got gave me strength to get through another few minutes/hours/days and I’m eternally grateful for that. I want to thank each and every one of you for the time and effort you put in to supporting me through the most difficult time of my life and if there’s ever anything I can do for you, you know where I am. Thanks.

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3 Responses to Saying sorry

  1. Rachel says:

    Stealing your comment virginity to say hi. And that I’ve been checking here most days to see how you’re doing. And that I am well.

    Also, see my note that I wrote for everyone, that should have a similarly shamed tone to what you’re after.

  2. aims says:

    Oh Sweetie! You don’t have to apologize – to me anyway. I knew what was happening and understood. Just the fact alone that you now feel this way is great. What an incredible turn around and improvement for you! Plus – a Boyfriend!! Yahooooo!

    Ana – Why don’t you just send everyone the link to this post. If I got this sent to me I would be happy with that. Very happy! It clears the questions up and explains so very much.

    Mental illness is a hard thing to explain. I’ve tried many times to apologize for things I said and did back when I was at my worst. Thing is – I don’t really remember most of them and some of them I completely forget.

    And here’s another thing.

    I also tried to say I’m sorry for a breakdown in friendship with my best friend of 25 years. Long story short I disagreed with her not going to her son’s wedding because she didn’t like his bride. Each time I’ve said – you know – I’m really sorry what happened between us – she has launched into all the things that were said and done, totally dumping it all in my lap although she is half to blame. Each time she’s done this I’ve kept my mouth shut so that it doesn’t start again. Even though I haven’t wanted to let it go!

    What I’m saying is – be prepared to hear how bad you’ve been and were as many times and longer than you can stand – if you want to keep the friendship.

    Other than that – yes! Turn on your sun lamp!!

    Sending love Ana. Will always be here for you whenever you want to reach out.

  3. Ms Leftie says:

    It’s great to read something from you. Pharmacy sounds like a fantastic opportunity, and I’ve seen the recent tweets congratulations on the offer! I’m also going through the UCAS system again, this time to follow my heart and hopefully do Psychology next year instead!

    As for your friends and concerns I am sure they will understand that you were ill and true friends will be there for you. Perhaps little cards mailed out would be a little more personal than emails.

    Take it one day at a time. I hear you on the winter looming. I adore winter, but my recent comfort eating and lack of exercise has begun to make me feel very self conscious about going outside… I keep telling myself I will venture back to the gym but I need a kick up the backside or rather for someone to kick me literally into the gym!

    Take care – Alison x

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