Right so where am I. Important news first. Boyfriend has bought us a house. As in a real proper 3 bedroomed semi within commutable distance of my soon to be university. The offer has been accepted now we’re just waiting for the solicitors to sort their end of things out and we can move. If you’re friends with me on facebook, you can see photos there. House is a bit of a state, hasn’t been redecorated in about 30 years so still has the truly spectacular 70s carpet and gloriously textured walls. Mmmm, sexy! There are walls to be knocked down and a conservatory to build. It’s going to be glorious when it’s finished but there’s a lot of work to be done. Kind of frustratingly in limbo at the moment as we can’t do anything until the conveyancing is complete which is going to take 6-8 weeks. We’ve chosen a kitchen and appliances. It’s all very domesticated.
Are we moving too fast? Probably but life’s too short. He must really love me to do this for me and yet I can’t help but doubt him. Since my last relationship crumbled, I’ve completely lost my faith in humanity. I have to ask him multiple times a day for reassurance that he loves me. I apologise for everything even that over which I have no control – bad weather, traffic jams. It’s like I’m trying to drive him away when all I want to do is reach out and hold him. Hold him for ever and ever where I’m safe and where nothing else seems to matter. Over-dependancy? Almost certainly but I can’t help it now it’s happened.
Mood is flat. I should be excited and looking forward but all I want to do is sit and stare. I can lose hours just staring at a laptop screen. mindlessly refreshing twitter and facebook waiting for something to happen which of course it never does. I have a constant monologue in the back of my mind. It goes something along the lines of “You’re a fat, ugly failure. You’re a fat, ugly failure”. Sometimes it’s loud and overwhelming, other times it’s quiet and distant but it’s always there. Tried to speak to the psychiatric nurse woman I see about it and she just tried to tell me it was normal to have low self esteem, and I just had to get over it. But if this is as good as it gets, then I don’t want it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suicidal. I just don’t see the point if I’m always going to feel this bad about myself.
I dunno. I should feel absolutely fantastic with the way everything’s going and I guess I’m disappointed that I don’t. Things are infinitely better than they were at this time last year and for that I’m eternally grateful. I just wish I could find some inner contentment and some security with things as they are rather than feeling like I’m killing time, waiting for them to go wrong again.