I’m worrying a lot at the moment about going back to university. I don’t think I’m in any way ready or prepared for it, to be completely honest, I’m not even 100% sure it’s what I really want to do. I applied for the course as being the thing I could most see myself doing without it completely destroying me but the closer it gets the less sure I am that I have made the right decision. And even if the decision is right, am I realistically in a state where I can survive a 4 year high level university course?
I volunteer one day a week in a local primary school. It gets me out of the house, when I can get over the feeling of dread enough to go, and I enjoy the children’s company. Seven year olds are so wonderfully free and innocent and say and do the most adorable things. They make me happy. I don’t do a lot when I’m there. Listen to readers, file paperwork, correct spellings and the day only runs from 0845-1515 but by the end of it I am dead to the world. I come home and nap then I sleep all night and the next day I need copious naps to recover. If I can’t last one day of simple volunteering without massive disruption to the rest of my life, how am I going to cope with being in uni up to 5 days a week where the work is going to be much harder and I won’t always have the chance to nap when I get home?
I also think I’ve forgotten how to interact with people. The last occasion I spent time in the company of multiple people was at Christmas, and that was my extended family so it doesn’t really count. Since then I have had real life conversations with a grand total of six people. My boyfriend, his parents, my parents and the psychiatric nurse. I’ve also chatted to a few people on twitter but I don’t think that really counts. How am I going to cope when I have to make conversations with large numbers of people? I’ll be expected to be interesting, to share my life story, to explain why I’m coming to pharmacy as a mature student. What will I say? That I’ve spent the last 5 years going increasingly insane and have only just got on top of my head enough to start afresh. That’s going to go down really well.
And even if I can cope with the work, with the people, with the pressure, at some point I’m going to have to get NHS occupational health clearance to go on placements. Given I’m an attention seeking personality disorder sufferer with a history of substantial drug overdoses, am I realistically going to get it? It seems doubtful so I’ll be kicked off the course anyway.
Why am I even bothering?