I am well now

I am crying a lot, mostly over nothing. Two days ago it was a plant I killed (I fairly regularly kill plants, I am not the most green fingered of individuals), today it was a poem I read about a dog.

But I am well.

It’s getting harder and harder to leave the house. I make excuses – I’m busy, it’s cold, there’s something interesting on the telly. I won’t go out alone, the world is too scary without someone to hold my hand.

But I am fine.

I am sleeping more. Bed is a warm, safe haven where I can curl up without facing the responsibilities of the day. Falling asleep is hard, the memories haunt me.

But I am better.

I cut. Just once but there will be more. It feels good.

But I am ok.

I have increasing paranoia. My boyfriend is angry at me, he hates me, he’s not coming home. People on the street stare at me, they judge with their eyes.

But I am good.

I count my pills. I wonder what they would do, I think of the quiet, the release.

But don’t you see, this can’t be happening to me. I am well, fine, better, ok, good. This isn’t real.

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3 Responses to I am well now

  1. {{{hugs}}} maybe now is the time to step up support or talk to someone, so that you stay well, or “well”…

    Take care,
    Differently

  2. Narky says:

    I recognise this. Speak up, if you can. I know it’s hard.

  3. Ms Leftie says:

    I can very well relate to your post. My bed is my best friend as are my PJ’s. I have literally thrown myself today into studying for the OU for a course that started at the end of January…

    I’ve also [sadly] gone down the route of SH again, like the words you expressed it felt good.

    Hang on in there, things can and will get better. We have both beaten these feelings before, let us both think about the future and university. x

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