I love to sleep. It’s something I’ve always done a lot of. When I was small, I used to hate going to sleepovers as I couldn’t understand why nobody actually slept. It’s always possible to tell when I’m sleep deprived, no matter how hard I try to control it, I get unbelievably terse and snappy. I’ll be ruder than usual without even realising it and just become a nightmare to be around.
Prior to medication, I still needed a good 8 hours, nearer 10 if I’m being honest but since becoming a medication zombie it’s deteriorated further. Now 10 hours is the bare minimum I sleep and I can only get away with that if I’ve had a quiet, still day. If there’s been any exertion or exaggerated emotion (which let’s be fair is not uncommon in BPD) the sleep budget goes up to 12+. That means I spend at least half of every day in bed :S This worries me, it is completely unsustainable in the real world. It’s also such a waste. It is possible for me to drag myself out of bed within the allocated sleep time, but if I do that, I will be sub-human and back in bed eight hours later as well as requiring several days of extended sleep recovery time.
I confess to sleeping and hiding my way through most of my third year at university the first time round. Either I’d be physically unable to pull myself out of bed in time for early lectures, despite living less than 10 minutes away from where they were held or I’d be too frightened to leave the house, overwhelmed by what might be out there. On the few occasions I did make it in, I fell asleep during the lectures. Not through wanting to but just being genuinely unable to keep my eyes open. That’s embarrassing for me, it’s insulting to the lecturer and it’s disastrous for results. This is largely the reason I graduated with an oh so awesome 2.2.
If I do go to university again, I will have an hour commute in each direction. The worst case scenario would be a standard working day of 9-5. To get there on time, I’d have to drag myself out of bad at 7:30 in order to become vaguely alive and have breakfast. Then a potentially full day of lectures and practicals, getting home at six. To get my 12 hours, I’d have to be back in bed by 19:30. That gives me just over an hour to have dinner, do my homework, spend time with the boyfriend. Oh, and some me time would be good. I know this is am extreme case and it’s unlikely I would have this sort of day more than once a week but still… And all that’s assuming I can stay awake for long enough when I’m there.