I want to die. For a while I’d forgotten what that felt like, I’ve been ok for a while now, getting on towards a year so I must be better right? And yet, I’m not depressed. I score somewhere in mild depression based on various depression questionnaires and most of those points come from suicidal ideation. Back in January, the last time I was down the score was somewhere from moderate to severe and in my blackest times some 18 months to two years ago I scored off the blinking scale. Besides, I know what depression feels like and this isn’t it. Depression is a deep dark fog, it’s moving through treacle, seeing life through different eyes, a constant, burning pressure in the brain. Depression is and this ain’t it. If I’m not depressed, I must therefore be happy. So, why oh why do I feel so much like ending it all?

Life stretches out and it’s long and it’s pointless. What purpose is there to existence? I’m in love, I have a place to read an exciting, stimulating course at university, I have friends and family. But love’s not what I think it should be, I’d do anything to escape the university and the friends never call (not that I’d answer) and the family don’t understand. It’s not that I don’t enjoy things when I can summon up the motivation and when I’m not asleep, which seems to be an increasingly rare occurrence, it’s the thought of time stretching out for so many years and of this being it. Better to stop things now before it all goes too far.

If I hadn’t had a single drink tonight, I’d do something now. However, the first time I tried to kill myself I was mildly intoxicated. I was glued back together and sent out without even a psych consult and certainly no understanding or follow up. It was a genuine attempt and yet it was derided due to the presence of wine (and possibly my very drunk tutor wearing a silly hat in A+E but that’s a story for another day…). I have a wedding to go to on Friday. It’s my cousin getting married and I have nothing whatsoever in common with her and no particular desire to go but I owe it to my family to do the decent thing and pull myself together and pretend it’s all ok which it should be because remember I’m not depressed.

Also, I have my first psych appt in new home place next Wednesday. Woo. I suppose I should give the professionals a chance, not that they’ve prove much so far but maybe this time could be different? *laughs derisively* For now, lets make that my aim. In the shorter term, goodnight. I’m off to zopiclone myself (at prescribed dose only of course 😉 ) to peace.


2 Responses to Help.

  1. Pandora says:


    One issue that I’m really only beginning to understand after 15 years is that depression is an insidious affliction – you don’t necessarily notice it creeping up on you particularly, even if some of the symptoms are there (I had this happen to me vis a vis my current major depressive episode). Also, although obviously it’s primarily about…well, being depressed, I think there are a lot of other less obvious facets to it, and thus I’d imagine that it’s entirely possible for your suicidal ideation to be present without some more ‘typical’ symptoms, including mood disturbance, apathy, self-imposed social exclusion and whatnot.

    Whatever the case, although I honestly cannot comprehend a true lack of suicidality, being desperate like this heralds that something ain’t right, whether it’s the onset of depression or not. So please, please talk to someone – and yes, please hold on until the shrink appointment if you can (if you can’t, well, harass Crisis or A&E!). He or she may be crap, but you never know.

    Good luck, and be kind to yourself. I hope the Zopiclone helps you get a good sleep.

    Take care

    Pan x

  2. willfindhope says:

    I don’t think you have to be depressed to necessarily feel suicidal. Sometimes I feel suicidal even when not depressed due to other emotions like fear, anxiety and emptiness.

    Could it also be to do with wanting to avoid university? Just that I’ve felt the same… If you really don’t want to do Uni, don’t. Do what you want and need to do. x

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