I take a lot of pills but I’m starting to doubt their purpose. I am a rational person, I know the arguments. If I had a physical disease, I’d be prepared to take medication to treat it and therefore mental illness is no different. It doesn’t feel that way though. There’s a line in one of my favourite songs,

I’m unsure where what I am ends and what they’re making me begins.

That’s where I feel I am, I no longer know who or what the real me is. If I don’t take my meds, I have a meltdown. Admittedly, the majority of that is withdrawal effects, venlafaxine has an insanely short half life, miss a dose and you’ll know it. Still, being that dependent on something can’t be good for you. The utter reliance on chemical stimulants to get you through the day cannot be healthy. I hate having to swallow those pills every single evening, potentially for the rest of my life. It just seems wrong.

And all that’s before you mention the side effects:

  • Weight gain. Having a similar mass to a fully grown elephant is never a good thing. I’ve recently started running again albeit slowly and very painfully. It just doesn’t seem worth it though as all I seem capable of doing the rest of the time is eat. I’ve recently had a blood test to reveal this has given me high cholesterol. So the ‘miracle’ pills have just given me something else wrong with me.
  • Thirst. I dehydrate so easily. I get through 6-10 pints of water a day, not including juice in the morning and milk at night. This is a faff, and really difficult to maintain while out in public.
  • Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppp! It’s all I ever do, if I’m not asleep I’m napping and if I’m not napping, I’m preparing for my next nap. The few days I can’t sleep though, those are the worse. The days my mind is so dead set at my own destruction that it won’t even allow me that peace. Those I really can’t cope with.
  • Memory fuzz. I’ve talked about this before, but my memory is not as it used to be. I used to recall facts and my memory would be sharp and active, now there’s just static. There isn’t just one area affected, everything is behind a slight grey screen.

Admittedly, the depression has receded somewhat which is wonderful and joyous. However, I’m still suicidal and stuck in a place I don’t want to be. Wonder pills clearly aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

Oh, and in case you were interested, this is the song I mentioned:


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