Where now?

I quit uni. It was always going to be the thing that gave when I was no longer able to cope. It’s a shame, there were aspects of the course I really enjoyed and having some focus back in my life was undeniably beneficial. There was just too much pressure though. I couldn’t keep up with the volume of work and the hours that were required. Student finance had fucked up my application leading to the university wanting £5000 off me in fees. I didn’t have five grand to give them and I didn’t have the strength to keep chasing student finance who promised me again and again that it was sorted only to discover yet another hurdle. The car crash really shook me up and left  me unable to think straight, I missed too much to catch up on. There are so many excuses I could site but really it’s just another failure on my part. I am incapable of coping in the real world.

It worries me. If I can’t do a university course with 18 hours a week contact time, how am I ever going to hold down a job. That’s of course assuming that someone would employ me when I have no references and no employment history to speak of. My life is a series of aborted projects. Of things started with the best of intentions and then failed. My psychiatrist says I just haven’t found the right path yet. That’s bollocks. There is no right path. Everything I try is doomed to failure from the start. I am a self fulfilling prophecy of destruction.

I can’t tell my parents. I can’t let them down again. I was always meant to be the one who made something of her life, who was going to support them in their old age. How can I tell them I quit again? They will be so disappointed so I lie to them, tell them how well I’m doing, describe lectures I’ve never attended. The truth will come out eventually though, it always does.

My boyfriend doesn’t mind that I’ve quit university. He doesn’t mind what I do, as long as I do something. The thing is though, I have no idea what. I have run out of suggestions. I’ve tried all the things I thought I might be good at and failed at them all. I am a disgusting waste of space whose biggest achievement is a 2:2 in a subject I have no recollection of.

I’m all out of options. I don’t even have the motivation to craft. I went to a big craft supply fair at the weekend and bought loads of new materials yet they sit in the bags still packed. All I do is sit and stare at a computer screen. I occasionally tweet but even there I feel on the edge of friendship groups. Everyone likes everyone else better than they like me. I am tolerated but barely.

My psychiatrist has run out of options. She says there’s nothing more she can do for me. Psychology may help but there are no guarantees. Besides, my initial referral to psychology was conveniently lost so I missed out on weeks of appointments. A new referral has been made but I will be waiting weeks for an assessment and then untold amounts of time to actually begin therapy. And what if it turns out that therapy is not for me? If I am doomed to be a big mental waste of space for ever more?

In the end there is one solution. There has always only been one solution. I may be able delay it by days, weeks, months or years but in the end it all stops one way. That has been the case for so long, I don’t know why I bother fighting it any more.

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9 Responses to Where now?

  1. willfindhope says:

    Hmm it did seem as though you didn’t really want to do this Uni course. Though you had 18 hrs contact time, in reality Uni takes a lot more of your time due to study. Maybe you could get a part time or casual job that doesn’t require so many hours?

    I feel like I’m just going to quit everything too. It’s hard. There isn’t only one option though xx

  2. eliana says:

    I kind of know how you feel – I feel like I’m a 29 year old failure at life – always told that I was the intelligent one, the gifted one, the one was going to go far far and achieve much.

    Shame reality didn’t seem to match up to reality.

    No advice really. {{{hugs}}}

  3. Moon Tree says:

    I know how easy it is to beat yourself up at times like this, and I’m a hypocrite for even saying this 😉 but try to go easy on yourself. I don’t think you’re doomed, but you’re ill and really struggling and you deserve some compassion. I can imagine the accident and the hassles with student finance were the final straw – perhaps you could have coped with the course without them? I hope your parents aren’t too hard on you when they find out, and I hope the psychology appts are helpful once they’ve come through. There are no guarantees with the NHS, but don’t underestimate the difference that a really good therapist can make!

    Thinking of you x

  4. Pandora says:

    I managed to get through my first degree but not my second, so I empathise. You’re not well, lovely – your health comes first, and if it was too much, then it was too much. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll always be that way.

    If you don’t get to NHS Psychology, is there any way you could try a voluntary agency, or fund a private therapist? I know it costs a shitload, but it might be worth it if you could get the cash from somewhere. If the NHS let you down, if you kick up a fuss they might be willing to ‘outsource’ a course of therapy too.

    For now – and I know it’s so damn easy for me to say, but… – try not to panic. There may well still be options for you: I really hope so.

    Thinking of you

    Pan xxx

  5. I feel like I shouldn’t comment because I am the ultimate fuck-up in terms of real world achievements. But I remember you writing a post about university and you didn’t really want to go, you wanted to give yourself more time and pursue crafting. Well, that’s what I think you should do. You can’t build a life on falsehood. Ok, so you;re not doing your crafts right now, but that’s because you feel shit, you’ll go back to them because they have been something you have consistently enjoyed in your life.
    May be nonsense, feel free to ignore, but do take care xx

  6. tea, two sugars says:

    Lovely, I hope that soon you will pick up crafting once again, it seemed like something enjoyable to you and I remember seeing some jewelry you’d made – so lovely, you have a talent for it.

    Be kind to yourself. You are far more special than you think you are.

    xx

  7. […] at Anickdaler, Ana has had to quit university, and doesn’t know where to go from […]

  8. Els says:

    Aww am so sorry things are getting on top of you. I have the unfortunate trait over “never feeling good enough” in anything I do – it’s not like I need praise for what I do achieve (i.e. managing to get out of bed and put the kettle on) but feel that everything I do is cursed from the outset and that I will fail. I hope that you can take some time out to rest.

  9. Layara says:

    I can really relate to your situation. Depression and social anxiety got in the way of my first degree and I only just returned to university a month ago to give it another try, because all the alternatives appeared even scarier, but without my therapist I’d probably have quit again already.

    I hope you can get a break and sort everything out eventually!

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