I quit uni. It was always going to be the thing that gave when I was no longer able to cope. It’s a shame, there were aspects of the course I really enjoyed and having some focus back in my life was undeniably beneficial. There was just too much pressure though. I couldn’t keep up with the volume of work and the hours that were required. Student finance had fucked up my application leading to the university wanting £5000 off me in fees. I didn’t have five grand to give them and I didn’t have the strength to keep chasing student finance who promised me again and again that it was sorted only to discover yet another hurdle. The car crash really shook me up and left me unable to think straight, I missed too much to catch up on. There are so many excuses I could site but really it’s just another failure on my part. I am incapable of coping in the real world.
It worries me. If I can’t do a university course with 18 hours a week contact time, how am I ever going to hold down a job. That’s of course assuming that someone would employ me when I have no references and no employment history to speak of. My life is a series of aborted projects. Of things started with the best of intentions and then failed. My psychiatrist says I just haven’t found the right path yet. That’s bollocks. There is no right path. Everything I try is doomed to failure from the start. I am a self fulfilling prophecy of destruction.
I can’t tell my parents. I can’t let them down again. I was always meant to be the one who made something of her life, who was going to support them in their old age. How can I tell them I quit again? They will be so disappointed so I lie to them, tell them how well I’m doing, describe lectures I’ve never attended. The truth will come out eventually though, it always does.
My boyfriend doesn’t mind that I’ve quit university. He doesn’t mind what I do, as long as I do something. The thing is though, I have no idea what. I have run out of suggestions. I’ve tried all the things I thought I might be good at and failed at them all. I am a disgusting waste of space whose biggest achievement is a 2:2 in a subject I have no recollection of.
I’m all out of options. I don’t even have the motivation to craft. I went to a big craft supply fair at the weekend and bought loads of new materials yet they sit in the bags still packed. All I do is sit and stare at a computer screen. I occasionally tweet but even there I feel on the edge of friendship groups. Everyone likes everyone else better than they like me. I am tolerated but barely.
My psychiatrist has run out of options. She says there’s nothing more she can do for me. Psychology may help but there are no guarantees. Besides, my initial referral to psychology was conveniently lost so I missed out on weeks of appointments. A new referral has been made but I will be waiting weeks for an assessment and then untold amounts of time to actually begin therapy. And what if it turns out that therapy is not for me? If I am doomed to be a big mental waste of space for ever more?
In the end there is one solution. There has always only been one solution. I may be able delay it by days, weeks, months or years but in the end it all stops one way. That has been the case for so long, I don’t know why I bother fighting it any more.