My parents know about university. Someone out there is watching out for me and told them so that I didn’t need to. It made everything that much easier. They came down to see me yesterday. Apparently I seemed well and in control. That seems odd, I don’t feel any of those things. I’m trapped in a downward spiral at the moment and I’m not sure how to escape it. My psychiatrist is on holiday at the moment which is greatly annoying. I could use some input but I’m not seeing her again until 19th December. That makes me angry because she’s only away for a fortnight so should be able to see me before then. It just proves she only pretends to care although I’m not sure why I should be expecting anything different. Last time I saw her she mentioned maybe attending the day hospital for a while. At the time I laughed but the more I’ve thought about it, the more it seems a plausible temporary option. All I’m doing at the moment is sitting on the sofa staring at a computer screen with the occasional bit of cross stitch thrown in. It’s annoying the boyfriend, he can’t see how I can spend so much time achieving so little. At least the day hospital would get me out the house for a while, give me some space and maybe there will be someone there with some time to discuss my options with me. Unfortunately it means phoning the clinic and attempting to make an appointment to see someone else. This terrifies me, I find it hard to ask for help. I’m worried that if I can manage the coherence to ask for specific support then I’ll be too well to qualify for that support.
In the longer term, I still have no plans. Well, there’s the one plan but people don’t tend to like that one. I know I need to do something, sitting around all day is not good for me but I can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything more. Actually, there is something that I’m considering but I’m scared you’ll laugh at me if I tell you about it. It doesn’t really come under the definition of a ‘proper’ job but would involve crafting in a slightly more money generating way. Even if I went for it, the training doesn’t start until January and then it would take several months to get qualified. I’m beating myself up mentally a lot. I can’t see the point of trying something new, everything I try just turns to disaster.
I’m still awaiting an assessment for psychology. I’ve been told that in the long term this is what will fix me. I remain skeptical but I am desperate to give it a go. I view it as my last option and it worries me that if I can’t engage with it that there will be nothing left. I’m also concerned that I’m putting too much faith in it to fix me and that I’m going to be left disappointed. Maybe I just can’t be fixed.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to become so unwell again. I didn’t really notice it happening. It was only the comments on my last post, with everyone telling me that I’m ill and therefore it’s ok to not always succeed that it started to occur to me. I’ve had enough of being ill, it’s been more than 5 years now and although there have been better times and worse times overall I’ve been really quite unwell for all of that period. It just isn’t fair. I feel like throwing a tantrum, screaming and stamping my feet until it all goes away. Except for it won’t and I’m starting to suspect it never will.