So, I’ve survived 2011 relatively intact. The most significant achievement I suppose is that it’s the first year in a long time that I haven’t tried to top myself. It’s sad in a way that I put that down as the highlight of my year but sometimes just surviving is a small miracle in itself. I’m not going to pretend it’s been plain sailing, or that the desire to end it all has gone, but for one whole year I’ve resisted acting on them. Not only that, I’ve avoided A+E visits, ambulance calls and crisis team invasions. I know most people do perfectly well without any of those for their whole lives but to me it’s significant.
The year started with me falling back into depression and slight psychosis. I refused to leave the house as I believed everyone stared at me and judged me and I lost all sense of direction. Things improved significantly with a change of medication and I had a few months where it was pretty good. I wasn’t symptom free but things seemed to fit in the normal sphere of human existence. For a while I even flirted with the idea that I was cured.
In the middle of the year, there was a lot of upheaval with a move halfway across the country and a massive home renovation. It was a chance to live with my boyfriend of a year and it enabled me to start university once again. As the date for university approached, I was full of doubts. I questioned whether I had made the right decision and if I would be able to cope with the course pressures. The course started and initial enjoyment unfortunately didn’t last. A combination of course stress, student finance fuck ups and a car crash lead to me dropping out. It was yet another failure to add to my substantial list.
I fell back into depression. My motivation dropped through the floor and there it’s stayed. I angered my boyfriend through my lack of anything and barely moved from the sofa for weeks. Over the last few weeks though, things have slowly started to look up. My fledgling craft business has started to come to life with a couple of excellent craft fairs which has led me to believe that there may be a future niche there for me to exploit.
Today I met a psychologist through the day hospital. He thinks he can help me particularly with the black and white thinking which is one of my biggest problems. He’s prepared to help me and I start therapy next week. I am investing a lot of hope into it as I really feel it is my last chance to find something to help in the long run. Purely from an academic viewpoint, I am fascinated to see how therapy works. It is something I have been waiting for for a long time.
As for next year, in January I am starting a craft course which potentially will give me further business opportunities. More on that if and when it develops. I hope to grow my craft business further, establishing a website and starting to sell on Etsy. I really hope I can make it work, it would be an ideal “job” as I could work the hours I want and set my own agendas. There’s a lot to come to terms with in terms of tax and benefit implications but I am hoping that with a bit of help I can take it somewhere. I have also been referred to the gym by my doctor which should allow me to exercise on the cheap. I would very much like to get some of my fitness back. In the last 18 months I have put on so much weight through a combination of antipsychotics and lack of motivation and it would be brilliant to shift some of it. It’s an exciting opportunity.
So in conclusion, I am approaching 2012 with cautious optimism. I can’t pretend to be happy with where I am right now but it seems I have the best chance in a while to change that. I would love for this to be the year that my life really turns around. I’ve been ill for so long, surely I deserve for some of that to change.