Innuendo aside, I was shocked and delighted the other week to jointly be awarded the TWIM award for Best Personality Disorder blog.
To say I was shocked was an understatement, I don’t think I’ve won anything since the Year 7 award for best performance in science. Thank you to everyone who voted for me and more generally to everyone who takes the time to read and comment on my little piece of the internet. I am in awe that people find what I have to say interesting or even occasionally insightful. I still get a real buzz when I open my email and see a new comment and I don’t think that will ever fade.
Next month I’ll have been blogging here for five years. Admittedly I haven’t been terribly prolific for a lot of that period but the fact I’ve kept coming back shows a commitment and dedication which is sadly lacking in other areas of my life. This was never meant to be a blog about mental illness, in fact I only really wanted a blog because my then boyfriend had one and I thought it was cool. I didn’t have much to say but I’d kept journals irregularly in the past and I quite liked the thought of continuing that in some way. At that point, I’d never even heard of Borderline Personality Disorder and wouldn’t have identified myself as mentally ill.
Over the last five years, I’ve shared a lot of my descent into madness here. I’m not currently brave enough to read my archives, it would be too upsetting. The memories of what I have been through in that time are enough to sometimes physically paralyse me with pain without the addition of more in depth details. I hope that one day I will be able to look back and if not exactly laugh, then be proud of how far I have come.
This blog and the people I have had the fortune to meet through it and the associated twitter account are probably one of the strongest reasons I’m still alive today. The discovery of the Madosphere showed me that I was not alone. The wit and honesty of its members have made me laugh when I was crying and have given me strength when I had none.
Five years ago I couldn’t possibly have imagined my life would take the path it has. Even my worst nightmares wouldn’t have come close to how some of it has been. I am still here though and finally getting some of the support I have been craving for so long. It’s far too early to say whether it will work but there are new doors opening where before there were brick walls. I don’t know if I’ll still be writing here in another five years. At the moment I don’t really believe I will live to be 30, it’s just too far fetched. While I do exist though, I will continue to write and to tweet and I would be honoured and thrilled if you would continue to read.