Settled

I had a rough time of it last weekend. I worked myself up into a completely paranoid mess. Boyfriend had gone back ‘oop north to visit his parents and I became convinced it was just a reason to leave me. Every time my phone beeped, I thought it would be an email or text telling me he didn’t want to be with me and wasn’t coming back. I was in a horrible state. For the first time in I don’t know how long I had to drug myself to sleep as I couldn’t think of another way to keep me safe. The urge to self harm or worse were overwhelming and I honestly couldn’t see it getting better.

You know what though? He did come back and he does still love me. I was being paranoid and it wasn’t necessary. While I’m frustrated that it took so little to bring those thoughts back to the fore, I’m proud and rather surprised that it faded away so easily and I returned to an even keel. I am making amazing progress and having a setback has actually made that clearer. I am not normal and I never will be but I don’t want to be. If I can be quirky in a positive way, a sort of good crazy then I’ll be so happy.

I was talking to my therapist, and realised that for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel settled. Prior to moving here, I’d lived in five cities in as many years and before that it was three years in different uni digs. That’s a lot of upheaval even though I thought I was doing it for all the right reasons.  I know I’ve only been here for a year as well but I can see me staying, I don’t need to move to chase whatever it was I thought I needed. I’m making friends through my stitching group, friends who I don’t have a history with and that’s a fresh start. I don’t need to constantly apologise for twatish behaviour in the past and I don’t need to worry about conflicts of interest and emotions with my ex. I still need my longterm friends, the people who saw me through so much but it’s good to have people local I can meet up with for drinks or a chat. Finally, there’s my fledgling business. Having the opportunities and control it brings. Doing something purely for me not because I feel it’s what I should be doing or what I think other people want me to do. Settled, it feels good.

I had a rough time of it last weekend. I worked myself up into a completely paranoid mess. Boyfriend had gone back ‘oop north to visit his parents and I became convinced it was just a reason to leave me. Every time my phone beeped, I thought it would be an email or text telling me he didn’t want to be with me and wasn’t coming back. I was in a horrible state. For the f

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4 Responses to Settled

  1. theartofmakingitoutalive says:

    I am so glad you feel settled, you’re right – you are making amazing progress, and you should be proud! Glad you’ve found friends in the stitching group, too, it sounds great. Take care xx

  2. JuliesMum says:

    Ooh stitching group sounds good – would love to know more about this. So glad you’re feeling so settled. It’s almost as if the flurry of anxiety about your boyfriend made you aware of how settled you are.

  3. Pandora says:

    I had to smile whilst reading this. It’s so good to see you settled and happy, and long may it continue!

    xxx

  4. […] off, then: although Ana from Anickdaler had a wee bit of a wobble recently, in general she is contented and settled. Great news! I was talking to my therapist, and realised that for the first time in I don’t know […]

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