Contrasts

May 25, 2012

I’m still struggling to lose any weight on Quetiapine. I’m really trying, this week I’ve done two Zumba classes and one Pilates but the weight isn’t going anywhere fast. It’s tempting to compare it to 2.5 years ago when I was considerably lighter and a fair bit fitter and wish I could go back there.

Lets look at this in a bit more detail though. Back then I was drinking abusively (although I’d never have admitted it) in an attempt to stop me damaging myself and to blot out the world. Despite that, I was self harming badly on an almost daily basis leading to infections and damage. I was barely eating because I couldn’t function sufficiently to do so. I was a paranoid wreck who spent too much time searching the house for the people I was convinced I could hear just outside my door. Other than that, I spent hours mindlessly refreshing Twitter and Facebook and listening to the same songs on repeat for hours because I was convinced they were really about me. I planned my death in elaborate detail and was just waiting for an opportunity to carry through with my plans.

When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound that great any more. I suppose if my options are skinny and very mental or fat and happy with a little mad thrown in, I know which one I’m going to choose.


Therapy homework

May 9, 2012

I met with my new therapist for the first time last week. I was having a bit of a wobble due to screwing something up in the real world which made it hard. I cried which was really embarrassing and something I’d rather avoid. Anyway, she set me some homework to write a list of all the things I have achieved since I started to recover so that when I wobble I can look at it and see proof of progress. When I get upset, things quickly spiral out of control and I tend to forget or downplay all the things I have done so I can see that this could be useful. However it means being kind about myself which is something I really struggle with.

So here goes:

  • It’s been two years, almost exactly, since I last tried to kill myself
  • I haven’t self harmed for about 3 months and I haven’t self harmed badly for more like a year
  • I am in a stable relationship with someone I love and who supports me with what I want to do
  • I have found a good group of friends through my stitching group who I am happy talking to and being open with (plus I think they get on with me too)
  • I have started a business from scratch. OK, it’s not big and successful yet but it has potential and most importantly it makes me happy.
  • My self confidence has improved a little bit. This is an area that still needs a lot of work but I am doing things I would never have imagined I could. When I started doing craft fairs, I wouldn’t talk to anyone now I can give customers the story behind my products and chat a little to other stall holders.
  • I am actively engaging in recovery through attending therapy and taking my medication regularly

That’s all I can think of for now. I may edit this if I come up with any more. Apologies for the arrogant post.