My bucket list

June 22, 2012
  • Visit more countries than I am years old. I’m there so far but it’s going to get trickier as I get older
  • Be driven in a convertible in the sunshine with the roof down
  • Forgive myself for the past
  • Make a sustainable success of my business
  • Visit the Galapagos Islands and be a biology geek while there
  • See the Northern Lights
  • Get married and look and feel beautiful doing so
  • See penguins in the wild
  • Become a dive master or maybe even an instructor
  • Like or at least accept myself no matter what
  • Dive the Great Barrier Reef
  • Teach again and share what I can do
  • Walk the Inca Trail
  • Turn my experiences into something positive against stigma and discrimination. I just need to figure out how.
  • Get back to and maintain a healthy weight
  • Ride in a helicopter
  • Be happy!

I shall add to this as I think of more and then when I’m feeling down hopefully I can look at it and see all the things I still want to achieve.



June 13, 2012

A couple of weeks ago I started feeling poorly. By mid afternoon my head was spinning, I felt queasy and very zoned out. This continued for a number of days. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Paracetamol didn’t touch it nor did drinking plenty of water or eating sensible food. I checked my blood pressure and my sugar levels, I shone a torch in my eyes to make sure my pupils were reacting normally but everything was fine.

The only thing I could liken it to was depression but I was adamant I wasn’t depressed. I know depression is a mental illness but for me, it has a very physical side. I feel like a stranger in my body, everything has a surreal quality as if it’s not really me looking at it. It’s also noisy, there’s a constant buzzing in my ears that reached a crescendo in stressful situations.

A week or so later I was feeling a lot better so I took some time to analyse what had happened. It turns out the feeling ill coincided with a lot of stressors. I was going away for a weekend with people I’d never met and I had to do a lot of preparation for it. I’d been summoned to appear as a witness in court. My business wasn’t going as well as I’d like.

Feeling better coincided with the majority of these being resolved on top of a really good nights sleep. The defendant in the court case changed his plea so I didn’t have to go. The weekend passed as a glowing success and although my business still isn’t where I’d like, I had a good chat about it and came up with some new ideas.

It frightens me that such small, in the grand scheme of things, stressors made me feel so unwell. I’m relieved that with rest and the removal of stress, I recovered but I’m cross I didn’t realise it was that sooner. I don’t want to spend my whole life functioning at less than my theoretical capability because too much stress makes me ill. I don’t want to always be monitoring and preparing for a relapse. I just want everything to be ok, always.