Poorly Sick

November 1, 2012

I’ve been rather unwell for the last 10 days or so. Fear not, I’m not going to be departing from this world any time soon but I’ve had something rather more than a cold but not quite flu. I am not good at being ill, particularly not slightly ill. I hate not being able to function at my full ability.

I’ve been doing pretty well for a while, a few bumps but it’s been smoother sailing than I’m used to. I have a big, big plan going down. There’s more details on t’other blog but I might be about to commit to something absolutely massive that will consume all my time and effort for a good few years. Up until last week it’s seemed scary but totally possible, I am after all awesome and should be capable at so much.

Now though I’m not so sure. My confidence has taken a huge tumble and all the doubts have started pouring in. I don’t exactly have a great track record in my overenthusiastic commitment to projects. In fact I’ve failed at just about everything I’ve tried. Even my current business, while not a total write off has only generated a few hundred profit in the last six months. If it wasn’t for my incredible other half, I wouldn’t be able to live like this. No matter how much I love it, it’s not sustainable.

If I take on BIG PLAN, failure will not be an option. I will have to make it work and I worry that I’m not capable of that. With the doubts come the familiar paranoia. Everyone hates me, they’re all better friends with each other and just tolerate me. I know it’s probably irrational but I can’t stop feeling it.

I’m hoping that now I’m recovering, I’ll start to see things differently again. I really would love to do this and make it work but I doubt myself so much.